Neither Admiration or Disdain are currencies you can spend
Yet we spend so much time chasing one and attempting to avoid the other
Consider for a moment how much time you spend trying to win admiration —
Whether its by curating a version of your life and publishing that version on Instagram or Facebook (depending upon your age), or through comments left on other peoples posts, stories that you tell at parties, buying a particular brand of clothing or car— so much of modern life is consumed with attempting to win the admiration of others — as pursuit that has no yield and yet takes so much from you.
I should know — I spent decades there
Had you asked me at some point along the way in my life if I was confident, I would have told you that I was — at least I thought I was —by many measures I was successful, well liked and admired.
But ultimately what I was mistaking as self-esteem was actually other esteem — How others thought of me was how I felt about myself.
When your sense of self is driven by the reflection in the eyes of others, you do all that you can to be what it is that you think they want you to be — what the world wants you to be — you become a reflection of an ever changing set of demands ,none of which actually represent who you are. It. Is. Exhausting.
And the world that you build for yourself is so very fragile. It is forever dependent on spinning the story just right, showing the best possible angles — to try and forever be ready for your closeup. God forbid anyone truly see inside and how afraid you actually are.
Chasing admiration and avoiding disdain are the same pursuit — and no matter how hard you try — how far you go, how much of a chameleon you become — you will always lose.
Some of my experience came before social media enhanced the ability to manufacture a version of yourself so precisely — but that has only amplified the problem.
Eventually you crash. Something finally goes wrong enough. When you pour all of your energy into an external version of yourself for the world to love (or not hate), you have nothing left inside — nothing left for you — and in the end, you are the only one that truly needs your own love.
I had my own version of a crash — details aren’t important, though I’m always happy to share. Ultimately I had to come to terms with the fact that I wasn’t my own. I had to let go of an image that I’d created in my head, projected out onto the world, and hoped no one would look at too closely.
And then I started to rebuild or build. I stopped telling stories, stopped trying to impress everyone, anyone, other than myself. I stopped just about everything and starting going inside instead and I loved what I found, and I found what I loved.
What I loved wasn’t as interesting a story to tell at an event or cocktail party (which I stopped attending)— it didn’t require a social media post or promotion —
If you are in your twenties or thirties and you are trying with all that you are to be that which you believe others want you to be, you’re not alone.
But at some point along the way, you simply drain yourself of the energy necessary to maintain the charade, your masks become too heavy, the truth too powerful.
That’s the point at which you amplify what’s for your greater good or your undoing.
You either start drinking more, medicating more, sexing more, whatever your obsession is, OR you walk away from all of it and start appreciating yourself more, exploring yourself more and become more of what you’re meant to be.
Either way, at some point you HAVE to choose. Choose yourself and you win.
